What to do now???

I have thought of posting about this many times, but I would always end up discarding the drafts. Truth is, I don’t even know what to ask help for or how to explain it. For some, they might think it’s some petty issue. But it’s big deal for me.

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What’s running on my mind now…

 

My apologies if some stuff here would seem convoluted for you, but that’s the best way I can sum everything up. 

If you have read my first few posts here, you would know by now that I got accepted in this teaching gig in Japan. I should say I am experienced for the job, but not for the ‘new life’ it offers. Sure, I want to work abroad. Who wouldn’t? I initially was too overjoyed of this fact, that I dismissed the underlying factors that might come with it. And seriously, I am now considering the idea of backing out. Why?

I have recently started processing some documents. I know, I know. Everyone’s been telling me it would be tedious, complicated, expensive, blah, blah. But honestly, I didn’t expect it to be this complex. I was losing hope, patience and vigor to continue. I even called my employer once, declaring this thought. I was glad they pushed me further, gave advice on what to do, but it doesn’t seem enough. At the moment, I am trying my best to focus at work. I don’t want it to disrupt me, or worse, destroy my mood.

I have met quite a few people saying the same thing; that I shouldn’t give up, and that it’s all part of the journey, and that it would all be worth it in the end. But h ow can I even know that? It is too much to bear right now. I know I shouldn’t be making sudden decisions when I am emotional because I might regret it after. But really, how easy is it to say that? I used to advise the same  thing, but now I don’t know if I can do it myself.

To say it is difficult would be an understatement. Being away from my family for a minimum of a year makes my heart ache. I know this was bound to happen when I submitted my CV, but I was thinking of the benefits we would all be reaping if I do make it. But was it really worth it?

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I shared this to my coworker in hopes of getting a sound advice. She said the very thing I don’t want to hear at this moment. I told her I have thought of quitting many times, but she herself failed getting the very job I was offered. Imagine her disgust at my ‘would-be’ decision. She said I am missing a big opportunity. It’s true, of course. But maybe it’s not for me. Or is it? 

And now I don’t know what to do. I am off to the final few steps, and it might be crazy to stop this far. I don’t want to, really. But it’s like I’m being pushed to the edge. After all the time spent, money wasted on some sheets of nonsense(at least for me) paper, and what-not, I will be throwing it all away in the window. Was I to blame? Partly, yes. I let my inner self get the better of me again. And I hate myself for that. I was scrambling way too fast, and in a way, making the process longer. Ugh.

Thank you for reading this far. I don’t want to make this more lengthy as it should be, I just wanted to vent out. That’s the purpose of blogs, right? Okay, maybe vent wouldn’t be the best word. Let me rephrase: I just wanted to share my thoughts. Maybe someone out there can relate to me, and give me serious advice or suggestion. Anything is welcome. Thank you once again.

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Thought for the day

 

 

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