I have thought of posting about this many times, but I would always end up discarding the drafts. Truth is, I don’t even know what to ask help for or how to explain it. For some, they might think it’s some petty issue. But it’s big deal for me.
My apologies if some stuff here would seem convoluted for you, but that’s the best way I can sum everything up.
If you have read my first few posts here, you would know by now that I got accepted in this teaching gig in Japan. I should say I am experienced for the job, but not for the ‘new life’ it offers. Sure, I want to work abroad. Who wouldn’t? I initially was too overjoyed of this fact, that I dismissed the underlying factors that might come with it. And seriously, I am now considering the idea of backing out. Why?
I have recently started processing some documents. I know, I know. Everyone’s been telling me it would be tedious, complicated, expensive, blah, blah. But honestly, I didn’t expect it to be this complex. I was losing hope, patience and vigor to continue. I even called my employer once, declaring this thought. I was glad they pushed me further, gave advice on what to do, but it doesn’t seem enough. At the moment, I am trying my best to focus at work. I don’t want it to disrupt me, or worse, destroy my mood.
I have met quite a few people saying the same thing; that I shouldn’t give up, and that it’s all part of the journey, and that it would all be worth it in the end. But h ow can I even know that? It is too much to bear right now. I know I shouldn’t be making sudden decisions when I am emotional because I might regret it after. But really, how easy is it to say that? I used to advise the same thing, but now I don’t know if I can do it myself.
To say it is difficult would be an understatement. Being away from my family for a minimum of a year makes my heart ache. I know this was bound to happen when I submitted my CV, but I was thinking of the benefits we would all be reaping if I do make it. But was it really worth it?
I shared this to my coworker in hopes of getting a sound advice. She said the very thing I don’t want to hear at this moment. I told her I have thought of quitting many times, but she herself failed getting the very job I was offered. Imagine her disgust at my ‘would-be’ decision. She said I am missing a big opportunity. It’s true, of course. But maybe it’s not for me. Or is it?
And now I don’t know what to do. I am off to the final few steps, and it might be crazy to stop this far. I don’t want to, really. But it’s like I’m being pushed to the edge. After all the time spent, money wasted on some sheets of nonsense(at least for me) paper, and what-not, I will be throwing it all away in the window. Was I to blame? Partly, yes. I let my inner self get the better of me again. And I hate myself for that. I was scrambling way too fast, and in a way, making the process longer. Ugh.
Thank you for reading this far. I don’t want to make this more lengthy as it should be, I just wanted to vent out. That’s the purpose of blogs, right? Okay, maybe vent wouldn’t be the best word. Let me rephrase: I just wanted to share my thoughts. Maybe someone out there can relate to me, and give me serious advice or suggestion. Anything is welcome. Thank you once again.